5 Common Sex and Disability Myths
Disabled or not, we all have desires, and the right to explore them.
While having a disability may change the way you get down, it doesn't mean it's not possible to find fun and intimacy in the bedroom. But regrettably, there are still plenty of myths and misconceptions about sex and disability lurking out there. We’re shedding light on the topic by debunking some of the most common, and harmful, misconceptions, with Claire Wise, Triage and Bookings Officer at SECCA, a West Australian-based organisation that helps people with a disability learn about relationships, sexuality and sexual health through education and free resources.
Myth 1: People with disabilities don’t want sex (or want it too much)
Claire explains that one of the biggest barriers for people with disabilities is the assumption that they are not sexual, or the inverse, that they are hypersexual. Neither are true! People with a disability can (and do!) have one-night stands, threesomes, friends with benefits, relationships and more.
“The main misconception that we find is that society in general views people with disabilities as either hypersexual or completely asexual," says Claire.
“The reality is that disabled people have exactly the same drives and desires as non-disabled people.”
Myth 2: Sex = Penetration
Penetrative sex is often viewed as the only way to experience sex. But the truth is, sex isn’t just black and white, it can come in all shades of grey as well (insert 50 Shades of Grey pun here). If giving or receiving penetration isn’t an option, there are many other ways to express sexual feelings: touching, massaging, licking, sucking – you get the idea.
The ability to have “traditional” sex can be largely dependent on someone’s disability, however it’s important to remember there is no “correct” way to have sex (as long as it’s safe and between consenting adults of course). Claire says that some people with a disability can get hung up on the idea of what sex is supposed to look like. Instead, she advocates for embracing creativity in the bedroom.
“Sex with a disability may not look like the sex you see on television (whose sex does?), but that does not mean it is in any way less satisfying, pleasurable or connective than the mainstream version we are often confronted with,” Claire says.
“Often, [people with disabilities] may need to become slightly more creative to maintain certain positions or techniques, which makes them fantastic problem solvers and the MacGyver of the sex world!”
“If we are able to reframe the question of, ‘What can’t I do that others can?’ to ‘What does my disability allow me to do that others can’t?’ then we can start to view certain abilities as strengths and begin to lean into those differences.”
Myth 3: Disabled sex can’t be kinky
It’s a harmful myth that people with a physical disability just “lie there” during the act, because having a physical disability doesn’t mean you can’t play an active part in sexual shenanigans.
And although each individual and their desires and limitations are unique, there’s no reason why you can’t have kinky disabled sex, if that’s what you’re into. In fact, some people with disabilities enjoy BDSM and kink as it allows them to take control of physical pain and discomfort as they are choosing it.
Of course, whenever exploring BDSM and kink there are basic rules that must always be observed: open, clear, safe, respectful communication; consent and clearly defined boundaries; respect for each other’s emotions and bodies; and physical safety in situations where people could be at risk.
So go ahead, engage in your fantasies, role play, get kinky, anything a non-disabled person may be into, a disabled person will be too.
Myth 4: People with disabilities can’t masturbate
For most people, masturbation is their first introduction to sexuality and learning what forms of touch they do and don’t like.
“Masturbation is a form of harm-minimisation, can reduce the symptoms of chronic pain and relieve tension or stress in a safe and cost-effective way,” Claire explains.
Depending on your ability, the way you masturbate may be a little different to others and you may have different requirements from your toys. But Claire recommends looking for devices with the following features, as a general guide.
- Large raised and defined buttons and a handle that is easy to grip even with decreased muscle strength
- Hands free toys that can be controlled easily with a remote or phone
- Toys that are discreet, especially for those living in group homes. Quiet or silent is best, non-anatomical so that it is not instantly recognisable, easily cleaned and dried and able to be charged either in a non-descript case it comes with or in a drawer/under the bed etc.
- High grade materials and warranties
- Toys that can be used at least 2 or 3 different ways in case the individual does not enjoy the sensation it was marketed for (such as being able to use a vibrating penis ring as a clitoral vibrator that the person can loop their fingers through).
Myth 5: Sex and disability is a taboo topic
Sex is a fundamental part of life that most people adore and acknowledging that all bodies crave it is essential.
“Everyone has the right to sexual pleasure and expression in whichever way works best for them,” says Claire.
“If individuals feel that they currently are not able to achieve a fulfilling sex life or find pleasure, they should absolutely broach it with their support system.”
Of course, as Claire acknowledges, this is easier said than done, especially if the topic is seldom brought up. But she offers advice to starting these conversations.
“Use movie or TV show content as a prompt to bring it up. This way the conversation does not come from nowhere and your supports can either have the conversation with you right then and there, or wait until the end of the movie if they need to have a think about it first,” she says.
She also suggests bringing up the topic when in the car, or outside walking, as not looking directly at one another can make it easier. For support workers who feel their client may be interested in discussing the topic, Claire recommends leaving around some books or brochures on the subject and letting them know you are a safe confidante.
“If you have an inkling that they may wish to speak with you, just bring up the topic in a sex positive, non-judgemental manner. Even if they do not speak with you at that moment, they now know you are a safe person to come to.”
Unfortunately, sex and pleasure can still be a taboo topic for many people, and Claire advises that if your supports are unable to discuss these topics, it’s important they provide you with the right resources.
“The SECCA website also provides free resources on topics such as sexting, adult erotica, sexuality and your rights and protective behaviours. We also have a SECCA App dedicated to sexuality and relationships concepts that can make the process not just easier, but fun!” says Claire.