Letting Loose in Lingerie - Online
So, let’s set the scene. It’s Sunday morning around 9am. Rightfully I should be chomping my way through my second bacon and egg McMuffin, allowing egg yolk to ooze down my chin with wanton abandon.
But no, what am I doing?
What am doing at NINE AM IN THE GODDAM MORNING? I’m smashing a white wine and shaving my legs in preparation for an online lingerie party.
Oh yes, you read that correctly. The age of COVID has forced us sexual deviants not underground but online. Let me fill you in on the juicier details.
Whilst trawling the web for my next adventure, I came across the delightfully named 'Davide and Bunnyguts', a duo who had decided to keep the voyeur vibe alive in these lonely times.
No longer are we able to roam the streets in the hope that the hot couple a few doors down are having wild sex with the lights on and windows and doors open, now we must adapt. The session was simple enough in its premise; a bunch of people dressed only in lingerie connecting and watching each other have sexy times in the comfort of their own homes, complete with DJ sets and a few sexy performers. Simple yes? Maybe not.
Davide and Bunnyguts weren’t amateurs, this party had rules. First up, we had to be dressed in lingerie before logging in. So no cheeky peeks to see what the others were wearing. This made it much more difficult to choose an outfit, I can tell you! Second rule was we had to set our room up to be ambient with lighting and décor…
I still have wrapping paper taped to my wall from Christmas, (don’t ask why, long story) did that count? I highly doubted it.
Third rule was our cameras had to be on at all times and fourth was no recording devices. Seemed fair.
If people were paying to peep they wouldn’t get much out of a black screen. The next couple of rules got very interesting. No solo wanking was one, which made me feel sorry for all the single blokes as usual. They never got the chance to do anything! We were informed another rule was to keep our crotches covered, which seemed… counter-productive. The next rule just showed how much a well-placed comma can change a sentence. I read the rule as “Playing with partner ok – in this case only full nudity is fine.”
Whaaa? I had to be nude the whole time if I was playing with the boyfriend I’d dragged into the screen? Seemed quite unfair really. And then I read it properly “in this case only, full nudity is fine.”
Ohhhhhh, ok. Got it. Phew!
So, rules read and (mostly) understood, I bought my tickets, only to realise afterwards that this party was being hosted from Quebec. Which meant although they would be jamming to the sweet sounds of DJ Davide and guests at the appropriate time of 10pm to 3am, we would be partying at 9am Sunday morning.
Damn, I don’t know how turned on I can get at that time of morning. Challenge accepted!
So, shower completed and my entire body shaved at an ungodly time of morning, I had to decide what to wear. Show a lot? Show a little? How extreme was this going to be?
I settled on a sheer black teddy and popped on some sparkly nipple pasties with tassels to hide the nips.
If things went well I could put on a show of my own and play spin the tassel! I was confidant with my choice until the boyfriend walked in, resplendent in a red g-string complete with side buckle.
Urgh, steal my thunder why don’t you?
We only had a short time to set up the ‘ambience’ for our room so stress was running high. It also didn’t help that the heat of the day combined with general grumpy moods had made us incredibly shitty at each other. Helpful hint for all the first timers to zoom lingerie parties, it’s not a great idea to be going into one mid argument with your partner. Nothing kills the vibe more than evil side glances and traps being set like, ‘what do you think of her? She’s super-hot don’t you think?’
There’s never a right answer to that one!
In the end we settled for rigging up a purple sheet behind our blue couch. I popped the diffuser on so we could seem misty and mysterious but the couch was so high you couldn’t see anything other than the odd dribble of impotent smoke. Bit of an epic fail on ambience setting I’d say.
Finally though it was time to enter the party! Woot woot! I chugged a huge mouthful of wine and pressed enter. The tension, nerves and excitement were palpable. What were we getting into? How many people would there be? What would it be like?
Turns out it was a bit of an anticlimax to begin with.
We entered the room and were met with… silence. We could see the host on the DJ decks busting out sick beats (supposedly) but we couldn’t hear a thing. Cue more arguments regarding who had screwed up the link and how to fix it.
Oh yeah, saucy times.
Finally though, we realised the issue, fixed it and finally had some tunes! Now we could turn our attention to the participants…
Throughout the session there were between 35-40 people coming and going, so a few less than I had expected, but enough to keep the eyeballs busy.
My eyes were immediately drawn to 'The Nymphette’s', who had rigged up what looked like a night vision camera in their lounge. Bathed in black and white light, three very attractive ladies put on quite the show. They tied each other up, spanked each other and then kissed each other better. I couldn’t decide what was more interesting, watching them, or watching the other participants reacting to their antics.
As the party progressed, I found my favourite people to pop in on and watch (there was no talking other than the chat option so we couldn’t really speak to each other much.) I loved watching all the single men. 'Dominique' sat in shadows, smoking a cigar like a gangster, with only his mouth and chin visible. Very cool.
In another room sat a very large, very bald man who had a strobe light going nuts behind him. His user name was 'Beau brun', which I later discovered is actually the nickname used for cute, dark haired men who manifest sexuality.
You go girlfriend.
He was an excited and keen watcher, but what I absolutely loved was that every time the strobe lights in his ‘club’ lit up, you got just a glimpse of his incredibly bored looking partner lying on the couch behind him.
I was certainly getting a lot of entertainment from both the participants and their Zoom names.
Suddenly I wondered what I was logged in as, as I hadn’t had the chance to type in any sort of sexy username. I scrolled over to our camera and my heart sank.
In my haste to get into the room I had signed in with my University account, which meant my full name (including my middle name) was displayed for all to see.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittt!
So much for anonymity.
But with the damage done all I could do was take a deep breath and enjoy the show.
The atmosphere from room to room was vastly different as I clicked through. Apparently in Quebec light machines and blacklights are easy to source, as many of the rooms were swathed in different colours. Red rooms, green rooms with fireworks exploding from the top of the bed, purple rooms with candles and shadowy rooms where only silhouettes could be seen. I cringed inwardly looking at all these deliciously dark dens of iniquity and then glancing at our screen, two pasty white Australians sitting in full daylight in front of a sheet.
Oy Vey.
However, I needn’t have feared too much, as although there were many sexified creatures, at the same time, there were others who were completely the opposite. I saw friends sitting on the couch, having a couple of beers and occasionally glancing at the screen, a couple lying in bed watching tv and most interestingly, a man in a cow suit.
Hey, whatever works for you man.
But suddenly it was time for a show! We sat back as WAP pumped through the speakers and 'Natasha Nebula' popped onto our screens, decked out as a showgirl complete with insanely high headdress. Her breasts were incredibly large (jealous much?) and she used them to great effect, much to the enjoyment of 'Username Fred', sitting alone and clapping along to the beat.
She jiggled around as a few of the couples whipped out their vibrators and began to play, but mostly people just sat and watched.
Once it was over it was back to the regular party, where a few more people had begun to dance. Most notably was 'Ma petite Fem', in which we were treated to a close-up crotch shot of her partner dancing and wiggling, as she sat on the couch looking very unimpressed.
We had been in the party for about two hours when things came to a sudden halt. I was two glasses of wine in and trying to work myself up to do something with the boyfriend. (This was taking some time as I was hot, tired, pissed off and very much not in the mood!)
But just as I was about to take one for the team, my phone started going gangbusters.
What the? Had my parents discovered the sordid details of my sexual exploits and were calling to get me to church? Had my incredibly large order of lubricant been stopped at customs? Had the police seen parts of the Zoom video where the cat walked through and were charging me with indecency?
But no, it was none of those. Turns out the whole reason we were doing this Zoom party had reared its ugly head again. Yep, it was the call to go into lockdown and go get tested immediately due to being in the COVID hotspots.
Talk about a mood killer.
So as I wait in line for my COVID test, mask on and ass incredibly sore from sitting on the bitumen, I think back on my experience.
Would I do it again? Yes, yes I would. However, I would most definitely pick a party in my hemisphere. Although sex can be good at any time of day, when you’re not in the zone, you’re not in the zone. If it had of been at night time and we could have really leaned into the Saturday night party vibe, I think it would have been a great way to spend a night.
So if you’re keen to try something different but are nervous about actually going out there and meeting people, this is a great starting point.
And hey, it’s definitely a good alternative to church!
Until next time,
Written by Claire W.