Let's Talk About Sext Baby

However, as we all know, explicit imagery and text have been around for a long time: -

• Some of the first known examples of explicit imagery can be traced back to 30,000BC in Palaeolithic cave paintings, which showcased animals and humans engaging in various sexual acts (not with one another!).
• In 1150AD young lovers sent dirty calligraphed letters to one another using the trusty carrier pigeon. The success rate was depressingly low.
• Famous author James Joyce sent awfully dirty letters to his wife Nora Barnacle in the early 1900s - parts which will, no doubt, make some of you dear readers blush even by today's standards. (You can read some of them here)
• In 1948, when the Polaroid camera was invented, so was the surge in the exchange of dirty photos. No more disapproving looks from photo printers - the early sexters were happy.
• The pager in the 1990s was famous for not merely reporting emergency phone calls to doctors; but also sexy numerical messages from their secretaries and young nurses.
• 1992 was the year texting (SMS) was first invented. The very first SMS ever sent read: "What are you wearing right now?". Just kidding. Neil Papworth, a young engineer, was honoured with being the first person in history to send a text, and he, true to his form, sent an exceptionally lively and intriguing message only an engineer could. It said: "Merry Christmas". It wasn't even Christmas.
• In 2000 internet chatrooms became not merely a place for game geeks to get together and discuss the intricacies of the latest Dungeons and Dragons game, but a place where kinkster adults could engage in some naughty abbreviations and computer text language with complete strangers.
• 2002 was a big year for the sexters; low-resolution photos could finally be sent from one mobile device to another (MMS).
• In 2012 the word "sexting" was listed for the first time in Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary.
• Present-day, sexting is a staple of 21st-century relationships.

The danger that lurks
I could reference an inordinate amount of examples that would serve to warn the astute few about the dangers of sexting. There was the 2009 Tiger Wood's sexting scandal, which led to his demise. In 1893 critically acclaimed author Oscar Wilde's steamy love letters to his gay partner were used to prosecute him on charges of obscenities. These are merely but a few; there are many others and even more to come, I am sure.

The general rule is
Don't show your face. I know it's not the same, right? I'm guilty of this one myself. I know, I get it. But if you're willing to show your face in the same frame as other parts of you which are not usually seen, then be prepared that perhaps one day it may creep up and be used against you.

“If you're willing to show your face in the same frame as other parts of you which are not usually seen, then be prepared that perhaps one day it may creep up and be used against you.”

You may trust your sexting partner, and they may, in fact, never use your naughtiness against you; however, you would be foolish to trust the internet and those who stalk it looking for ways to steal people's privacy. iCloud has been hacked, What's App is being spied on by Mark Zuckerberg, and countless foreign nations are apparently eyeballing us through social apps. Plus, people do lose their phones/iPads, and all that goes with it. So, if you ever wish to run for Prime Minister, perhaps lay off the erotic selfies - or just don't include your face.

“You may trust your sexting partner; however, you would be foolish to trust the internet and those who stalk it looking for ways to steal people's privacy.”

Always double check who you are sending your steamy message to; I know of a guy who accidentally sent his d@ck pic to his mum instead of his girlfriend. I mean, could you imagine anything worse for a 19-year-old??

Also, and it is important to note, sexting anyone under the legal age (in Australia it is 18) is deemed illegal and strictly against the law.

Before you sext
Before you delve into the world of smartphone sex, it may be prudent to first learn what your sexting partner fancies in real life. Maybe you've never met your sexting partner face-to-face, and so how do you go about doing this? Well, in conversation you can always find out what they like and what they dislike. People leave hints and clues about themselves in the things they talk about and the way they talk. Take note. If you're unsure, ask questions - take an interest and remember it for next time when you engage in some explicit messaging. It will ensure a much sexier and juicier experience for you both.

Similarly, it would be in your self-interest for you to drop hints during a conversation of the things that turn you on. Or the things that don't.

I went out with a guy once who referred to my private parts using the C-word in our very first sexting encounter. You know the word. Can I even bring myself to say it? Girls - we all know that the C-word is not a nice word, right? Well, he somehow didn't. And the amusing thing was that he was the most sensitive nurturing gentleman I had ever known. So how on earth could he refer to my lovely female parts in such a vulgar manner?

So don't forget - sexting is yet another means of communication. What makes someone a better communicator is the same thing that makes one a better lover: listening.

“Before you delve into the world of smartphone sex, it may be prudent to first learn what your sexting partner fancies in real life… What makes someone a better communicator is the same thing that makes one a better lover: listening.”

When sexting turns bad
So you've woken up horny, and you want to share your sultry half-clad bed head pic with that cute co-worker who sometimes flirts (maybe flirts…possibly flirts) with you. OR you start to think about how you could really use some "likes" today and go through your contacts and mass send your sexy selfie to all of the people (past and present) in your black book. Stop right there. Make sure that the person you are sexting expects and anticipates the sext you are about to unleash on them.

Golden rule: just like sexing, sexting has to be consensual.

I know of a guy who sent a sexy message to his ex-partner entirely out of the blue. They hadn't been in touch or anything. It was one of those "Hey been thinking about how we used to do so and so and such and such". His ex-partner had moved on and met a new man with whom she was getting quite serious. When this unexpected erotic message came through, her new man saw it, and she had a lot of explaining to do. For her new guy, it appeared (and rightly so) that she was still engaging in some sort of intimacy with her ex.

“Golden rule: just like sexing, sexting has to be consensual."

Sexting isn't just about typing
Much to contrary belief, sex doesn't begin in the body - it starts in the brain. All of our senses register something suggestive and seductive, and our brain responds by sending all sorts of happy chemicals through our bodies.

Racey words and photos can be used to stimulate someone visually; but don't limit yourself to merely your keyboard and photo gallery. A sultry voice speaking of carnal deeds, some heavy breathing, and even the sounds of an orgasm (please no fake over the top shrieking ladies) is also a means of sexting. I used to go crazy when my French lover would send me audio files of him saying sexy French words (which I didn't understand but who cares?) and breathing heavily whilst he was climaxing.

Don't be scared to use the various apps you have on your smartphone. VoiceMemos can be a lot of fun and videos too! I personally love making trailers - so you have imagery, videos, and add text in there. It's a whole Spielberg-like production, really.

“Don't limit yourself to merely your keyboard and photo gallery. A sultry voice speaking of carnal deeds, some heavy breathing, and even the sounds of an orgasm is also a means of sexting.”

Why do people love it?
Part of the power of sexting is that it is worry-free. People love sexting because it is a safe space; it is a physically and emotionally secure and quick way to become intimate with someone. People tend to let their guard down through sexting in a manner that they may not be ready to do so in person. Often, men and women alike are more likely to express their desires (and go wilder) via text than they would face-to-face.

Some use it to feel more desired and wanted. Some use it to build up the sexual tension before the real deal (sometimes there is no real deal, and its primary purpose is merely that - to build sexual tension).

There are, of course, the benefits of keeping you close with someone who is not near you and also the "quick fix". Not having to physically pleasure your partner (or sometimes at all) is also an attribute many enjoy about sexting. With your partner out of the room, you can be in the moment and think only of your own pleasure without feeling the pressure to bring about an orgasm for someone else.

“Part of the power of sexting is that it is a safe space; it is a physically and emotionally secure and quick way to become intimate with someone.”

For new and old alike
Whether you have just met someone or are in a long-term relationship, you can use sexting to bring you closer. Sexting is an excellent way to explore your feelings for that new someone you've just started chatting with or to get a glimpse into their hidden character. Long-term lovers can use it to add a bit of spice into their no-surprises-left sex life; making the other person feel more wanted and sexy is always a positive addition to any long-term relationship.

Do men and women get turned on by different kinds of sexting?
Whilst everyone has their unique sexual preferences, as a generalisation, there are some patterns to why certain sexts tend to work better for men than they do for women.

Men are generally more visual creatures. This means that they rely heavily on the visual world for stimulation. Women are visually stimulated also; however, they tend to respond less intensely to visuals than men, and more intensely to context and choice of words. Perhaps why men will respond more vehemently to sexy selfies, whereas women will respond more profoundly to sexy texts.

This explains why there is an epidemic of men (mostly young men) sending d@ck pics to every girl they meet, whilst young women often become bored when they receive yet another in-your-face penis picture which comes way too early in the game. I mean come on guys, all those d@ck pics look the same after a while - especially as men tend to take them from the same angle… You know, the unflattering angle? The one that makes your member appear more manly but goes right up your testicles and anus. Yep, that one.

So you want to know how to send sexy messages that will make your partner hot under the collar, do you? Stay tuned for our next blog, the one you've all been asking for: a step-by-step guide on how to drive your man/woman crazy with sexting.

Comment below. I want to hear your sexting stories. It's only fair - I've shared some of mine.

Written by Maggie May
Maggie May is a sexologist and a writer. She is a lover of all things sensual and sexual.