Why is Cuckolding the most popular fetish trend right now?

I watched as my amazing, perfect beau of 12 months slowly undressed her. Her, another woman. A complete stranger. She was young, pretty, and voluptuous in all the right places. His hunger for her was obvious. His eyes full of lust, his hands demonstrating the rawness of his desires. His mouth, the same mouth that kissed me tenderly, was now exploring every inch of her clearly aroused body. There was no shame, no regret, no second thought. Had he thought about me at all at that moment? I watched from a distance. Did I stop them? No. Why, you ask? Because I set the whole thing up.

“Did I stop my beau from undressing her and kissing her? Of course not. I set up the whole damn thing.”

By now you’ve heard of polygamy, polyamory, polyandry - but have you heard of cuckolding? It seems to be the latest trend as far as fetishes go, just ask Google Trends.

So what exactly are we talking about here?
Cuckolding is basically getting turned on by watching your partner have sex with someone else.

Whilst it lacks the leather gear and bondage contraptions, it is meant to have an element of humiliation, submission/domination tied to it, hence making it fall under the BDSM family tree of fetishes. (Yay, my favourite!)

"Cuckolding is basically getting turned on by watching your partner have sex with someone else. Yes, turned on.”

Who is the cuckold?
The word cuckold derives from the cuckoo bird. The female cuckoo bird is known to sneak into other bird’s nests, kick the host’s egg out and leave her egg there whilst the host is too busy foraging for food (or doing whatever it is cuckoo birds do). The unsuspecting cuckoo bird comes back to her eggs and continues to ensure they all hatch safely. She doesn’t realise that she has adopted her neighbour’s youngling.

The term cuckold was first used during medieval times to degradingly describe men whose wives had been unfaithful. It insinuated that the man was raising young ones that were clearly not his own - just as the female cuckoo bird.

Unlike his medieval predecessor, the modern-day cuckold is completely aware and, in fact, whole-heartedly approves of his partner’s wicked ways.

Let’s meet the entire cast and crew.
The Cuckold: The person observing their partner having sex with someone else.

The Cuckoldress: The partner who has won relationship lottery and gets to have sex with a third party.

The Bull: The third party.

"Unlike his medieval predecessor, the modern-day cuckold is completely aware and, in fact, whole-heartedly approves of his partner’s wicked ways.”

Is it for straight men only?
Of course not! Why should they have all the fun? Straight, gay, trans, bi - this is for people of all sexual orientation and gender to enjoy. Sometimes it’s the girl that stands by and watches, as I did. Other times it’s not.

Close friends of mine, who are gay men, like to experiment by cuckolding with straight women. The combination varies from one couple to the next and can be as creative as they wish it to be.

So is it like a 3sum or polygamy?
Not quite. Cuckolding means the cuckold doesn’t directly engage with the sexual act. Typically, the cuckold will merely watch their partner have sex with the other person. They may be in the same room, or it may be done remotely with the “cheating” partner sending photos and videos to the cuckold.

Consensual non-monogamy and polyamory refers to having multiple romantic partners. Cuckolding is purely a sexual, rather than an emotional or romantic, bond. It differs to swinging as swinging means swapping sexual partners. In cuckolding there is no swapping. Only one partner is having sex, the other is observing and not an involved participant as such.

“It’s not a 3sum. Cuckolding means the cuckold doesn’t directly engage with the sexual act.”

Why would someone find this hot?
Blame biology; there is some research out there suggesting that men may be driven to prolonged and more vigorous sex if they watch their female partners have sex with other men. This is known as ‘The Sperm Competition Theory’ and revolves around our animalistic need for the seed to be fertilised.

Humiliation/degradation; for some people masochistic acts, like being degraded, or degrading someone else, can be powerfully erotic. The ridicule one feels from their partner cheating on them is, believe it or not, enticing.

Some people find that this sort of humiliation isn’t enough as cuckolding is, by nature, consensual, and, therefore, removes the humiliation real infidelity carries. In such cases, some extra humiliation is thrown in the act to really drive the degradation home - for instance, being laughed at and mocked by their partner and/or the bull.

Submission/domination; BDSM is all about relinquishing power to another, so in this scenario, we see the cuckold getting off by submitting their power of sexually pleasing their partner to a third party. This power play proves to be a strong source of arousal.

“The ridicule one feels from their partner cheating on them is, believe it or not, enticing… Some need extra humiliation to really drive the degradation home - they get off on being laughed at and mocked by their partner and the third party.”

Jealousy; seeing your partner desired by another person can be a profound aphrodisiac and ignite your interest in your partner even more than before. “I’ll have what she’s having!”

Boredom; couples who crave variety, combat the mundane and repetitive nature of long-term relationships with cuckolding.

Compersion; this is the antonym of jealousy. It is the happiness one feels from seeing their partner happy. (The best kind of happy, if you ask me!)

Society says no; despite it being a common fantasy, cuckolding is widely considered as socially unacceptable, especially in societies, like ours, where monogamy is revered. The non-conformists who like to break rules will most certainly find this scandalous act too juicy to resist.

Empowerment; this is somewhat of a paradox. How can something that is humiliating be empowering? For some, acting out such a fantasy gives them a sort of mastery over it.

“Couples who crave variety, successfully combat the mundane and repetitive nature of long-term relationships with cuckolding.”

“Such fantasies can, however paradoxically, be empowering for the fantasiser… Conjuring up something physically or emotionally painful or degrading could for some males be a tremendous turn-on.” Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author, has stated.

If a husband fantasises about his wife being with another man, but at the same time fears her actually cheating on him, he may find cuckolding empowering as it will give him total control of the fantasy. His make-believe fantasy can come “true” but he gets to take his wife home.

Similarly, a woman may wish to be liberated in her sexual expression in a world which, sadly, too often tramples all over women’s sexuality. She may find it empowering to be with another man but wouldn’t wish to do so behind her husband’s back. Therefore, cuckolding would be a win-win situation which would allow her to assert herself whilst not hurting her husband.

“Such fantasies can, however paradoxically, be empowering for the fantasiser… Conjuring up something physically or emotionally painful or degrading could for some males be a tremendous turn-on.” Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author.

To cuck or not to cuck, that is the question.

Benefits
Communication; because partners need to be completely honest with one another and disclose what they want, don’t want, what their boundaries are etc. they learn how to communicate on a much deeper level and get to know one another a little better.

Bonding; couples often report that their bond is intensified as they have to be completely vulnerable and trust one another. To be exposed to another person can be frightening, but it is profound and often leads to a much more authentic connection between the people involved.

Fulfilled desires; how many people can openly talk about their desires with their partners and have it accepted and agreed upon? Usually, those who want/need their sexual desires fulfilled, but are too afraid to bring them up, end up cheating behind their partner’s back and destroying their precious relationship. Through cuckolding they need not to - they get to act out their fantasy AND keep their partner.

Cuckoldress wins too; the poor cuckoldress isn’t get much mention in this article, but don’t worry, they too reap benefits of this alluring act. Not only do they get to experience some guilt-free sexual variety outside…inside…of their relationship, they also get to do something that will give their partner satisfaction and that, my friends, is the biggest reward.

“Couples often report that their bond is intensified as they have to be completely vulnerable and trust one another. This often leads to a much more authentic and profound connection.”

Drawbacks
Reality vs fantasy; naturally you and your partner may go into this thinking you’re ready, but when reality hits, it may be quite disturbing and painful for you to watch/or have sex with someone else whilst your partner watches you.

Emotional risk; obviously feelings of jealousy, rejection, deflation, anything but arousal, can come up at any moment. It may be difficult to communicate such feelings during the act. The two people hooking up may become attached and wish to see one another again - without the cuckold. Feelings of resentment, and worse, can ensue.

STIs; sexual play always carries a risk of sexually transmitted illnesses or unwanted pregnancies. Be sure to practice safe sex and discuss beforehand what the plan is if someone walks away with an STI/STD.

So you’ve realised cuckolding is your thing. Now what?
There are many ways to nourish your cuckolding urges. But before you log onto Tinder, be sure to follow these steps first.

1. Breathe
First you have to be in a good head and heart space - feel good about yourself. Once you’ve got that, pick a suitable place for you to share your fantasies. The drive to your in-laws or whilst you’re having coffee at your favourite cafe is probably not it. Choose a distraction-free private place and breathe.

Leave all pre-conceived ideas of how your partner will react at the door and with that in mind, create a new space to share from. Be prepared for your partner to be enamoured with the idea but also not as enthusiastic as you. Don’t be attached to any outcome. The breakthrough is in your sharing.

2. Be honest
Share with integrity and courage. Tell your partner why cuckolding turns you on. Share what you hope to get out of it and what their role in it would be.

If they don’t share your sentiments, remember that sharing your desires is a healthy way to opening up doors for alternative explorations. You may be able to share a “milder” version of cuckolding with your partner, or another kink which you didn’t even know you had. (Oh there are others, trust me!)

They will probably have a lot of questions about the bull, so be prepared to answer them. Prior to your chat, think about how you will go about finding your bull. Will both of you be involved? Where will you find them? What will happen post cuckolding, will the bull stay for a cuddle? Will you be allowed to meet again?

3. Do your homework
Not everybody knows what cuckolding is, how it works or why it works. Have some articles at hand to show your partner. You want articles that are well written, such as this one (ahem ahem), and objective. You could also use video clips to showcase exactly what it looks like.

4. Emphasise boundaries
Hearing you emphasise that you would have clearcut rules set in place during cuckolding would be reassuring for your partner to hear. Explain to them that this is something you wish to do WITH them and that they would be an imperative part of the experience. Finally, I would encourage partners to draw out parameters and rules so that there are clear boundaries; perhaps that's not having sex with someone you know or for cuckolding not to occur in your home.

5. Pace yourself
For this to work, you need both adults to consent and go at a pace that suits not only you, but also your partner. You may be ready to try it out the next morning, but your partner may need to take things slow.

You’re building trust and intimacy in this process, so be sure to take it one step at a time. It may be inappropriate for you to bombard them with every gory detail which you have replayed time and time again in your mind. Follow their lead.

“Feelings of jealousy, rejection, deflation can come up at any moment. It may be difficult to communicate such feelings during the act. The two people hooking up may wish to see one another again… It can get messy.”

What if your partner is the cuckold enthusiast?
Whether you are in shock or not, understand that it took a lot of courage for your partner to share their desires with you, so you owe it to them to hear them out.

Just as they had to park their fears in order to talk to you, try and park your judgements whilst they share.

When people are made to feel ashamed of what they desire, they close up and consequently don’t share with their partners. This creates a vicious cycle in the relationship; one of, people feeling frustrated because they aren’t getting what they want/need, and not feeling like they can ask for it, because they will be shamed. There is no safe space for them to share, nor explore, their ambitions, whatever they may be.

Ask questions and seek clarity. If you are in shock and unable to discuss the matter reasonably at the time, tell them that you’d like to revisit it another day.

Asking the right kind of questions will only help you understand them better. Here are some examples you may wish to use:

• “Is this just a fantasy or something you wish to actually do?”
  
  
• “How do you see this benefiting our relationship?”
  
  
• “What happens if I change my mind in the middle of it?”
  
  
• “Who will the third party (bull) be?”

Your partner may not have all the answers for you as they may not have gone over the specifics in their own head. You need not make a decision on the spot. Take your time. Sharing such an experience with your beloved is not an easy decision to make and it shouldn’t be done so flippantly.

“When people are made to feel ashamed of what they desire, they close up and consequently don’t share with their partners.”

All aboard!
So you’re both in? Great!

I’d suggest testing the waters by acting out the fantasy with just you and your partner first. It might be enough just having your partner listen to you whilst you describe your fantasy of watching them get nasty with a complete stranger/celebrity etc. You may wish to go out and allow your partner to flirt with someone else, then have them convey the story back to you. This may be enough for you or your partner.

If you’re ready for real-life encounters, be clear on prerequisites surrounding the bull. Ensure you’ve made all rules clear and gone over contingency plans. Check-in to see if your partner is on board throughout the entire process.

This should be an enriching experience for all involved; the physical, emotional and sexual health of both partners, and the third party, are equally important. So ensure to discuss this with yourselves, and the bull, prior to diving in.

“Cuckolding should be an enriching experience. The physical, emotional and sexual health of both partners, and the third party, are equally important.”

What will it be like?
To describe a cuckolding scene would be like describing any sex scene - completely and utterly diverse.

Some people make a sex mission for their partner and get off on hearing all the details when their partner comes home. Others like to sit in the same room as it’s happening and just watch. For some, not being able to get off only heightens the experience, so they sit there and whilst they may touch themselves, they won’t allow themselves to climax.

It really can be whatever you want it to be. I know our readers are highly intelligent and don’t lack the imagination; I need not describe the encounter in any further detail.

“We need not define and psychoanalyse every aspect of our sexuality in order to understand it and enjoy it.”

I know you’re eager to get to it, so let me just say one last thing...
Human sexuality is an enigmatic topic this author doesn’t have the wisdom to neatly unpack in its entirety. I know you guys come to these blogs to seek clarity on what makes some of us prefer this, and others that.

But the truth is, our world is full of colour and diversity; we each come with our attachments, moral values, histories and sense of future. Something so vast and cryptic cannot be labelled, nor should it. We need not define and psychoanalyse every aspect of our sexuality in order to understand it and enjoy it.

However deviant or unsound our sexual desires may seem, they declare something at the very core of our unique sexual sense of self. And this is something deserving of honour in oneself as well as the other. The very least we can do, is hear one another out without judgement and shame.

And that’s the whole point of cuckolding, and any other fetish for that matter. Embrace it - oftentimes through that very acceptance, a deeper understanding of your kink will ensue. And as long as you’re not hurting anyone else - does it really matter why you like what you do?

I’d LOVE to hear from you cuckolds, bulls and cuckoldresses! I know you’re out there. Share your fantasies below with us. We’d love to hear what you think about this red hot fetish.

Written by Maggie May
Maggie May is a sexologist and a writer. She is a lover of all things sensual and sexual.